Boundary Basics: How to Overcome Guilt and Maintain Your Boundaries (Pt. 2)

Episode 50 · Laurie Groh, MS LPC SAS · 2025-04-29

This is part two of a live boundaries workshop I ran with Julia Frank, an intern at Shoreside Therapies. If you haven't heard part one, start there. Today we dig into the harder part: why boundaries are so hard to maintain, what to do with the guilt that shows up when you say no, and how to shift the beliefs underneath so your boundaries actually stick.

Show notes

What healthy boundaries look like

We start with a checklist. A few of the items:

I'm open to expressing my emotions, and I encourage others to express theirs
I can acknowledge differing opinions without feeling I have to adopt them
I recognize I'm not responsible for other people's emotions
When necessary, I prioritize myself, and I don't carry guilt about it
I can decline requests without fear of rejection
I'm assertive when someone has crossed a boundary

That "not responsible for others' emotions" one is hard. When we feel someone's feelings, it can seem like we're responsible for them. Julia named this as her big one. She's the oldest and the only daughter, and she notices the pull to help even when it isn't necessary, because she hates seeing people feel bad. If you're a caretaker by nature, you probably recognized yourself there too. It tends to be harder with family.

Responsible to, not for

If you care a lot about other people, it helps to have a mantra in front of you. Mine is a version of I'm doing this for me and for them. A book I read a couple of years ago put it as clarity is kindness. A boundary isn't there to be mean or push people off. It's there so you're clear on what you want and need.

The other line worth writing down: we are responsible to others, not for them. We don't control someone else's life, but we often want to take it on. If I don't answer that late-night call, they'll be distraught. Maybe the person does have a tendency toward behaviors that aren't good for them, and we believe that if we pick up, we can protect them. That's not our place, and it isn't something we can actually do.

Replacing the beliefs underneath

Start by writing down what your beliefs about boundaries and relationships actually are. Then replace them with beliefs that are truly yours, or that fit the circumstances better. Some examples: Saying no is self-empowerment, not selfishness. Respecting my boundaries teaches others to respect me. Pick the ones you already believe. Those are easier to lean on than statements that feel like a stretch.

Is it guilt, or is it empathy?

Julia asked the question everyone wants answered: how do you challenge that feeling of guilt?

Guilt is our compass for right and wrong, and there are places it belongs. If I stole candy from Julia, I should feel guilt, because stealing goes against my values. Shame gets a bad reputation, but it's also part of being human and connected. Both are useful when they're pointed at the right thing.

The guilt that shows up around boundaries is usually something else. It comes from being used to taking care of someone. They're in pain, we feel it, and it seems like our role to save them. So when guilt pops up, check whether it's actually guilt. It might be empathy: they're sad, so I'm sad, and I want to fix it because I care. Not answering a call at 10 p.m. is not a values violation. If your top value really is caring for others above yourself, that's a different conversation. But if your value is caring for yourself at the same level as everyone else, that feeling can be renamed for what it is.

Quick tips for maintaining boundaries

Pick your top three. That's the homework. Write down the three boundaries that matter most, and write the reason for each: more time, more clarity, more peace.
Treat it as practice. You won't get it right the first time or the first five times. Think of it as an experiment you keep tweaking.
Going too rigid at first is okay. Most people overshoot, then pull back. If you said "no calls after 10" and then picked up at 10:01, that's flexibility, not failure. You just don't want it to be the standard.
Respond rather than react. Our knee-jerk yes was learned in childhood. The goal isn't to erase it. It's to be more present. And if you reacted, it's okay to backtrack: I said yes and I realize I can't do it. Sooner is better, but later still counts.
Give yourself grace. Notice what you're already doing well, and say so to yourself.

None of this changes in an hour-long workshop, or in a few sessions of therapy. It takes practice. That's not a failing. That's how it works.

Key takeaways

You are responsible to other people, not for them.
Much of the "guilt" around boundaries is actually empathy plus a habit of caretaking.
Real guilt belongs to values violations. Skipping a 10 p.m. call isn't one.
Pick your top three boundaries, write down why each matters, and expect to adjust.
Reacting is human. Backtracking soon after is a legitimate step.

If this one hit close to home

If you keep saying yes when you mean no and want help changing the beliefs underneath it, Shoreside Therapies offers individual therapy in Wisconsin and online in several other states. Our intake coordinator will help you find the right fit, even if it isn't us.

More on this topic: Boundaries hub · Boundary Basics Pt. 1 · Set Boundaries Without Explaining · Boundaries Without Becoming Cold

This episode is for education and entertainment. It is not therapy and does not create a therapeutic relationship. Hosted by Laurie Groh, MS, LPC, SAS.