I Called Myself Stupid for Years. Then I Found Out It Was ADHD.

Episode 57 · Laurie Groh, MS LPC SAS · 2026-08-06

For most of my life I had a private word for myself. I would never have said it to a client, or to my kids, or to anyone else. When I lost something, forgot something, or made a mistake, the word was stupid.

Show notes

I'm a licensed therapist with a master's degree. I have spent my whole career helping other people talk to themselves more kindly. And I was carrying that label around in my own head the entire time.

This episode is the relaunch of the show under its new name, Without the Couch, and it's also the most personal one I've recorded. In my 40s I found out my brain had been running on a program nobody ever named: ADHD.

Why a label like "stupid" sticks

Labels are sneaky. "Stupid" has all of the emotion and none of the direction. It doesn't tell you what happened or what to do next. It just hurts.

A diagnosis is also a label, but it's a different kind. It comes with an explanation and with useful information. That difference is the heart of this episode.

Why ADHD hides in women like me

Late diagnosis is common in women, and the reason is masking. We build systems on top of systems on top of systems. We're smart, conscientious, and we care a lot, so the wheels don't visibly fall off. We just quietly exhaust ourselves keeping them on.

From the outside it looks like competence. People say "you seem fine," or even "how do you do all of that?" On the inside, the conclusion most of us reach is: the problem must be me. Why can't I get it together?

What perimenopause does to an ADHD brain

Here is the part nobody warned me about. Perimenopause turned the volume all the way up.

Estrogen and dopamine work closely together. When estrogen starts to drop, a brain that has been quietly compensating for 40 years may suddenly not be able to. If you're a woman in your 40s thinking "I used to be able to do things, what is happening to me?", there may be a real physiological answer. It is worth asking about rather than blaming yourself.

Grief and relief at the same time

When I got the diagnosis I felt two things at once, and they didn't cancel each other out.

Grief for the girl who spent all those years calling herself stupid when there had been an explanation the whole time.
Relief, because a label from a clinician is different from a label from your inner critic. This one came with direction.

Many late-diagnosed women describe the same mix. Both reactions are normal, and you don't have to pick one.

What this show is, and what it isn't

Without the Couch is what therapy conversations sound like when you take away the couch, the intake forms, and the six-week wait. It's me, and often another therapist or provider from the practice, thinking out loud together.

It is not therapy. Listening doesn't make me your therapist. Therapy is a relationship with someone who knows your story and knows the next right question to ask, and a podcast can't do that.

What a podcast can do is hand you language for something you've felt for years and couldn't name. Sometimes that's what gets a person to finally reach out for the real thing.

Underneath all of it, this is an anti-shame project. Over and over, someone describes what's "wrong" with them, and it turns out it was never a character flaw. It was a nervous system doing its job, or a brain that was never taught about itself.

Who this episode is for

Women in midlife who feel like their operating system got updated overnight without permission
Anyone who has read the books and done the things and still feels stuck
People who are burnt out but wired, exhausted but unable to relax
Anyone who loves someone whose brain works differently and wants to understand it rather than fix it

Key takeaways

A harsh self-label carries emotion but no information. An accurate explanation gives you somewhere to go.
ADHD in women is often hidden by masking and over-built systems, which is why diagnosis frequently comes in the 30s and 40s.
Falling estrogen in perimenopause can unmask or intensify ADHD symptoms that were previously manageable.
Grief and relief after a late diagnosis can exist together.

If this one hit close to home

If you recognize yourself here and want a professional evaluation or ongoing support, Shoreside Therapies offers adult ADHD evaluations and therapy in Wisconsin and online in several other states. Our intake coordinator will help you find the right fit, even if it isn't us.

More on this topic: ADHD in Women hub · ADHD in Women: Late Diagnosis · RSD in Midlife Women

This episode is for education and entertainment. It is not therapy and does not create a therapeutic relationship. Hosted by Laurie Groh, MS, LPC, SAS.

Read the full transcript

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (00:00)
So I've been saying I was gonna relaunch this podcast for honestly months and months. sort of surprised nobody called me out on it. And I kept waiting, thinking I needed to have everything all figured out, waiting for it to be perfect. What's the new name? What's the plan? Which episode to go? Back and forth, back and forth. Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. What's the best way to do it?

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (00:24)
And for those of you that know anything about me or about ADHD or about being a human being, you know that I'll start when it's perfect is where good things go to die. So I stopped waiting. Here's what you need to know. The show has a new name and it has a slightly new focused focus. And somewhere in the middle of rebuilding that, I found out in my 40s as a licensed therapist.

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (00:49)
That my own brain had been running on a program nobody ever named, and we're gonna get into all of it. We're back.

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (00:56)
This is Shoreside Therapies Without the Couch. I'm Laurie Groh, therapist, practice owner, late diagnosed, ADHDR, and someone with a lot of thoughts. We talk about mental health, relationships, burnout, perimenopause, and everything nobody warned you about. So let's get into it. So, quick note before we start: this podcast is for educational and hopefully entertainment purposes only.

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (01:19)
It's not therapy and listening doesn't create a therapeutic relationship between the two of us. And if you want real support, I'll tell you how to find it at the end.

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (01:27)
here's the honest version of why it changed. And basically it was me, one therapist with a microphone, a lot of thoughts. I would interview people that I thought were interesting, and I had a lot of fun.

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (01:40)
but as I was in more and more of these conversations with my therapists, I realized that really what I love to do is talk to other providers, other therapists. And the conversations we were having were just always so incredible and insightful. And I wanted to start sharing some of those.

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (01:59)
Every week when we're in consultations and we're talking about life and issues and things that are coming up, I'm like, this would be so great if if other people could hear a little bit. I think we'd feel a lot less alone out there. because as therapists, one thing we know is that there are a lot of people struggling with the same things.

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (02:20)
People are starting to talk more and more about it. So, this isn't anything new to start talking about what's going on for yourself, but it is one of those things that are it that is so important that I just want to not only inform people but really talk about the truth of what we're seeing out there as therapists, and to get some other providers and other

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (02:42)
realms in the wellness industry and talking all together hear other people's stories. so it's hopefully a lot more conversations, better conversations, and I hope you really enjoy it.

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (02:54)
That's the whole idea in three words. This is what therapy sounds like when you take away the couch, the intake forms, appointments. You had to book six weeks out for the conversation, the conversation part, the part that's, yeah, that's what's going on with me, you, me, and whomever I drag in from the practice.

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (03:13)
thinking together. That's the other thing that's changed. less me lecture less of me lecturing, more conversations. So let me be really, really clear about what you're getting here. And this matters to me, so I'm going to take a second on it.

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (03:27)
The show is not therapy. Listening to me does not make me your therapist. And honestly, if I tried to be your therapist through your car speakers, that would make me a very dangerous therapist. therapy is very specific. It's a relationship, it's somebody that knows your story and knows to ask the next right question. Podcast can't do that. But here's what a podcast can do: it can hand you the language for something you've been feeling for a

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (03:55)
For years and couldn't name. It can tell you the thing nobody told you about your brain, your hormones, your marriage, your kid. It can make you feel less alone at 5:30 on a Tuesday when you're sitting in the parking lot. Not quite ready to go inside yet. And that's not small. Sometimes that's the thing that gets someone to finally reach out to the real thing. And here's one more thing the show is.

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (04:17)
And I might as well say it out loud because it's the through line of everything I do. This is an anti-shame project. If you listen to me for a while, you're gonna hear me say and do some similar things. Somebody describes what's wrong with them and we find out it was never a character flaw. it was a nervous system doing the job that it should. It was a brain that was never taught about itself. It was a woman doing three people's jobs on a half a night's sleep.

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (04:45)
Being told she should do a gratitude journal. So you are not broken, and that's the show. Everything else, details.

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (04:53)
Okay, the personal part here. For most of my life, I had a word I used for myself, just for me. I would never in a million years say it to a client, my kids, anyone, and the word was stupid. When I would lose something, forget something, make a mistake. That was the word. Stupid. how could you be so stupid? Ugh. And I want you to sit with that.

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (05:15)
Math for minute. I'm a therapist, master's degree. I've spent my entire life helping other people talk to themselves more kindly. But I did have a label I was carrying around in my head for the majority of my life, and that was stupid. And labels are very sneaky. The label has all of the emotion and none of the direction. Stupid doesn't tell you anything. It just hurts and feels like shit.

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (05:39)
Then in my forties, the actual answer showed up. ADHD, late diagnosed, like so many women women. And I'll tell you exactly why it hides in women like me. Because we mask, we build systems on top of systems, on top of systems. We're smart, we're conscientious, we care a lot. So the wheels don't visibly fall off. We just quietly exhaust ourselves keeping them on. And everyone says, Well, you seem fine.

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (06:05)
And you know, sometimes even how are you doing all of those things? my my joke with that is that it's because I do a lot of things really ha fast. And that's not entirely true, but there definitely are things that just have to fall through the cracks. So you think

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (06:22)
With ADHD, usually you think, right, so the problem is just me. This is what why can't I get it together, right? And here's the part nobody warned me about perimenopause turn the volume all the way up. All the way up for me. And I know that's true for a lot of women out there. Estrogen and dopamine are dance partners, and when estrogen starts leaving the party, the brain that was quietly compensating.

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (06:47)
For forty years suddenly can't. If you're a woman in your forties thinking I used to be able to do things, what is happening to me? I need you to hear that there may be a real physiological answer. And we have a whole episode coming on in exactly that. When I got the diagnosis, I felt two things at once. And they didn't

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (07:07)
Cancel each other out. It was grief for the girl who spent all those years calling her stupid. And there was an explanation also the whole time. And relief. Because a label from a doctor is different from a label from your inner critic. That one came with direction and it came with some useful information. I haven't called myself stupid in a long time now. I'll be honest, I stopped.

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (07:32)
way before that diagnosis. I actually stopped when I first started learning about CBT 20 years ago when I started in graduate school. But I didn't really get why I was saying it in the first place. I was always confused on on why it just stuck with me and why it would why it was something I was using over and over again for so long.

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (07:53)
I just knew it really hurt. and probably why I read and listen to about a hundred books a year, just to maybe tell myself I'm not so stupid. Right? Well, that one might be more about the gamification. Like yeah, I like to achieve certain things. So, why the show exists, honestly, because I'm a licensed professional who's swimming in this field and couldn't see my brain.

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (08:16)
Clearly. So what chance does everybody else have? Right? Nobody starts saying this stuff out loud.

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (08:22)
So who am I talking to? If you're a woman, somewhere in the middle of your life and you feel like your operating system got updated overnight without your permission, you are the one who I'm talking to. If you read all the books, done all the things, and you still feel like this, please stay. There's a whole episode coming out with your name on it.

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (08:40)
If you're burnt out but wired, exhausted but can't relax, if you suspect your brain has been keeping a secret from you. If you love someone whose brain works differently and you're trying to understand it instead of fix it, that's who this is for. And honestly, if you're just a therapy curious person, and if you'd really wonder about, why we do the things we do, stick around.

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (09:02)
That's kind of our specialty.

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (09:03)
Who's it not for? People who want a guru. I'm not gonna pretend I have it all together. Nobody has ever really thought that. I'm a mama for with a business, a late diagnosis brain, and a laundry chair.

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (09:15)
What I have is training a team of really incredible therapists in a stubborn belief that you deserve to understand yourself without being ashamed of what you find.

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (09:25)
So thanks again for being here. If you've got a question, a topic you're dying to hear about, or a Reddit post you want me to weigh in on, And if something and if something we talked about today hit close to home, reach out to us at shoresideapies.com.

Laurie Groh MS LPC SAS (09:40)
Our intake quarter will help you find the right fit even if it's not us. That is very important to us. So if you are looking for services in the Wisconsin, Illinois or Colorado area, call us, we will help you. I'm Laurie Groh. This is Shoreside Therapies Without the Couch. I'll see you next week.