Navigating Financial Challenges in Divorce: Expert Advice from Rhonda Noordyk

Episode 28 · Laurie Groh, MS LPC SAS · 2024-08-07

When a client is contemplating separation or divorce, the thing I see most isn't anger. It's fear. A giant fear of the what-ifs. Where will I live? What will my life look like? Can I even do this? And underneath that, a quieter question: who am I on the other side of this?

Show notes

I wanted a conversation that took the emotional side seriously and also gave women something practical to hold. So I invited Rhonda Noordyk, a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst who left the financial industry in 2014 to help women achieve what she calls financial justice in divorce. She's based in Wisconsin and works across the country.

Why "justice" matters

The word in Rhonda's bio that stopped me was justice. Women going through divorce can slip into a victim space. Justice isn't about dominating or taking over. It's equity, a fair situation you can feel good about moving forward. Rhonda's goal: help one woman improve her relationship with money, and she's empowered for a lifetime.

The essential team

Rhonda's frame, which I love: you need an essential team. Emotional support (that's where I come in), financial (Rhonda), and legal. Dial each up or down as needed.

Ask each of them the same question: what's my best-case and worst-case scenario? The answers will be different, not competing. Mine will be about how you'll feel and cope. Rhonda's will be about the budget. The attorney's will be about the law. Together, that's a picture you can decide from.

Don't shortcut the process

Most of the women Rhonda works with want it over as fast as possible. Get me out of this pain. I see the same thing. Her rule: shorten the timeline, but don't shortcut the process. Her decision framework, close to what I do in therapy:

• What is the decision?
• What additional information do I need to make it well?
• When do I want to make it, and why?

Most of us skip the second question.

Trust without information

Something I named in the episode: when one person wants the divorce and the other doesn't, the one who doesn't will often use tactics, some conscious, some not, to make leaving unappealing. Money is a common one. If you go this route, there's not much there. Information gets used to manipulate the trust that was in the relationship.

Rhonda sees women who won't ask questions because it feels like distrust. Her reframe: you'd never buy a house from a notepad of numbers without an inspection. Trust without information is not a good thing.

The pressure to be grateful

This is the part I most wanted women to hear. Rhonda talked about a bias toward wealth: "you're getting more than a judge would give you, just be grateful." Her answer is that it isn't her job, or mine, or the attorney's to define what "fine" is. That's the client's job, and she can only do it if she understands what the numbers mean for her.

I see the same expectation that women should be grateful for whatever they're given. The reality is they've been through the marriage as a partner. Equity is the law. You can still choose, once you have the information, to take less. But the information comes first. Rhonda shared a collaborative case where the husband had to be asked to step out because he said, "I feel like she's winning the lottery." Both ended up in a good place. It had been a partnership.

Rhonda's practical half

A few things Rhonda covered that I'm passing along as her expertise, not mine. Talk to your own attorney and financial professional.

• Wisconsin isn't a simple 50-50. Rhonda describes it as a marital property state "with an undercurrent of equitable." Assets brought into the marriage can be argued as partly separate. The risk: women hear "50-50" and stop asking questions.
• Support calculations are only as good as the inputs. If a spouse owns a business or earns bonuses, how that income is counted matters. Rhonda runs an after-tax, after-expenses, after-support analysis to show whether there's a real disparity.
• Tax implications of property division get overlooked.
• Watch for what she calls the "DAM method": dodge, avoid, misrepresent. "That business isn't worth anything." "That classic car is junk." In one Wisconsin case, getting rental properties and classic cars professionally valued meant the client walked away with roughly half a million dollars that would otherwise have been left on the table.
• Don't sign anything you don't understand. You don't have to decide in 24 hours because someone said the offer expires.

Rhonda said her firm has moved about $22 million into women's hands over ten years that would otherwise have been left behind. She offers a free mini-course, "Six Steps to Getting a Fair Financial Settlement," on her website, and hosts the podcast Divorce Conversations for Women. Whether or not you divorce, she'd rather you be prepared than backed into a corner.

Key takeaways

1. The fear of the what-ifs is the biggest thing I see. Information is the antidote.
2. Build an essential team: emotional, financial, legal. Ask each for best and worst case.
3. Shorten the timeline if you must, but don't shortcut the process.
4. Asking questions isn't distrust. It's inspection.
5. Nobody else gets to define what "fine" looks like for you.

If this one hit close to home

If you're contemplating separation and need a place to sort through the fear and the identity questions before anything else, Shoreside Therapies offers individual therapy in Wisconsin and online in several other states. Our intake coordinator will help you find the right fit, even if it isn't us.

More on this topic: Midlife Identity hub · Midlife Identity: Crisis or Honest Update? · Why Relationships Get Harder in Midlife · Grief Beyond the Five Stages

This episode is for education and entertainment. It is not therapy and does not create a therapeutic relationship. Hosted by Laurie Groh, MS, LPC, SAS.