Boundary Basics: Signs You Need Stronger Boundaries (Pt. 1)

Episode 49 · Laurie Groh, MS LPC SAS · 2025-04-22

This is part one of a live workshop I hosted on one of my favorite topics, boundaries, with Julia Frank, an intern at Shoreside Therapies. If you've ever said yes when you meant no, or you're constantly carrying the emotional weight of everyone else's stuff, this one is for you. Boundaries are something I come back to often for myself, checking where I need more flexibility and where I need to tighten up.

Show notes

Start with an internal boundary

Before any workshop, I ask people to write down whatever is circling in their brain and set it aside. That's an internal boundary: all of that is for later. This time is for me. Some of us can't set many environmental boundaries. As a parent of little ones, even the bathroom door wasn't reliable. Every time you set one internally, you're working that muscle.

Automatic boundaries you already have

There are two kinds of boundaries: the automatic ones we don't think about, and the ones we have to construct. Mine include not answering friends' calls after 10 p.m. I never announced it. People just know. Julia's: once she gets home from a long day of class and work, she doesn't do schoolwork. Others from the workshop: Do Not Disturb on the phone, headphones on during a chore, backing up when someone stands too close in line.

Here's the tricky part. Everyone has automatic boundaries they aren't aware of, and they aren't the same as yours. One person's rule was no calls before 7 a.m., but nobody knew, so when it got crossed it became a big issue. The question I always ask is: did I let them know? Everyone grows up with different rules and cultures.

Boundaries also shift by setting. I'm casual at work, but I'm not hugging everyone in the office. Julia tells family she loves them, but not coworkers. Boundaries change with the season of your life. They aren't set in stone.

The benefits people don't expect

Higher self-esteem. Setting a boundary teaches you I'm worth it. Start small, with people you trust to hear it well.
Clearer relationships. There may be bumps at first, but people feel better when they know what to expect. Kids push back on limits and also deeply want them. If you say "I don't take calls after 10 because I'm sleepy," your friend stops wondering whether you're mad at her. For those of us who caretake, boundaries are a way to caretake. You're reducing the other person's anxiety.
Less resentment. When someone feels resentful, I ask whether they've been clear about what they need. Resentment usually points to a crossed boundary or an unmet need.
More peace. A boundary with a parent, like "don't call me at work," can bring a relief you feel in your whole body.

Signs your boundaries are too loose

Julia named the pattern: weak boundaries perpetuate people pleasing and taking on responsibility that isn't yours. It shows up most in people who care a lot, which is why so many of us in health care struggle with it.

From the checklist: I prioritize others' needs over my own. I say yes to things I don't want to do. I try to solve other people's problems. Resentment builds when my efforts aren't reciprocated.

Mine is compliance. My kids ask for a pencil and I'm up getting it before I've thought. It's that learned, that automatic.

Why we struggle with boundaries

Fear of rejection, even the small in-the-moment kind. That discomfort after setting a boundary feels like 17 hours but it's really 10 to 30 seconds, which is why Brené Brown's idea of counting through it works. Low self-worth. Growing up as the caretaker. Fear of conflict. As a couples counselor, I'll add: when both partners avoid conflict, intimacy tends to be lower. Not knowing your own needs. Relying on external validation.

And rejection is real. Some people liked the old version of you, and they may leave. You can decide they're jerks, or that you are. Or: they aren't used to the new me, and now there's room for people who can respect this.

Signs your boundaries are too rigid

Social media tends to sell harsh boundaries, and that doesn't work for everyone. Signs of rigidity: keeping people at a distance, expecting reciprocity for every favor, finding it hard to ask for help, a very small circle, being critical when things don't go your way. Julia and I both landed on "asking for help." Helpers give abundantly and struggle to receive, then feel hurt when no one offers. Often, no one was told.

Rigidity usually comes from fear of vulnerability, past betrayal, or a need for control. Criticism is a way to avoid being vulnerable. "You never take out the trash" is easier than "I feel taken care of when you do." Most of us are some loose, some rigid.

Key takeaways

You already have automatic boundaries. So does everyone else, and theirs aren't yours. Say them out loud.
Boundaries reduce anxiety for the other person too. For caretakers, that's caretaking.
Resentment is information: a crossed boundary or an unmet need.
The discomfort after saying no passes in seconds, not hours.
Too loose and too rigid can coexist. Check both lists.

If this one hit close to home

If you recognize yourself in either checklist and want support building boundaries that fit your life, Shoreside Therapies offers individual and couples therapy in Wisconsin and online in several other states. Our intake coordinator will help you find the right fit, even if it isn't us.

More on this topic: Boundaries hub · Boundary Basics Pt. 2 · Boundaries Without Becoming Cold · Set Boundaries Without Explaining

This episode is for education and entertainment. It is not therapy and does not create a therapeutic relationship. Hosted by Laurie Groh, MS, LPC, SAS.