The Guilt Spiral: Recognizing and Breaking Free

Episode 11 · Laurie Groh, MS LPC SAS · 2024-03-22

I opened this episode with a joke: after listening, you'll never feel guilt again. Obviously not. But most of the guilt parents carry is heavier than it needs to be, and a lot of it isn't even guilt. It's shame wearing guilt's clothes. Telling those two apart is the whole point of this one.

Show notes

I'm a therapist and a mom of four. I still get caught in this spiral.

Guilt is about what you did

Guilt shows up when we've done something that violates our own standards, usually in relation to someone else. I hurt that person's feelings. I forgot to call. I forgot my kid's library book (my friends are laughing; I'm forgetful).

Guilt is situational. It's about a behavior, not who you are. And it's useful. It's built in so we can notice, "I don't like that," and repair.

Stop feeling guilty about thoughts

If I could give you one thing for your mental health, it's this: let go of guilt about thoughts and feelings.

Sit for ten minutes and let your mind run. You will have some weird thoughts. You don't have to claim them all. When you think "I really don't like that person" and then feel guilty about it, you're feeling bad twice: about the interaction, and about yourself for having the thought. Guilt belongs if you're actually rude to the person, not for the thought. In sessions it sounds like: "I feel this, and I shouldn't." That "I shouldn't" is what keeps people stuck.

The way out is to go toward those thoughts with kindness. You're human.

Shame is about who you are

Say a parent loses their temper. That's my biggest one. I didn't like being yelled at as a kid, so when I'm short with mine, it hits hard.

The feeling that follows usually isn't guilt. It's shame. Shame connects one incident to our whole identity: I'm a bad mom. I'm a bad dad. Shame is a fear state, the fear of losing connection with the group, which for a child means life or death. That's why it's so heavy and slow to move through.

Here's the practical difference. "I forgot to pack a snack" has solutions: drop it off, message the teacher, send a box of extras. "I'm a bad mom" has no solution. It's too big to act on.

Three myths

Good parents never feel guilty. Every parent feels guilt. It's healthy and a good guide, for us and for our kids ("What's that telling you? Maybe go apologize?"). It only turns unhealthy when it slides into shame.

Shame is an effective parenting tool. A kid being told "what's wrong with you" isn't learning anything, because biologically they can't. They're in fear. The easiest way to take shame out of your child's life is to let go of it in your own. Talking to other parents helps. When my youngest was a baby, a cousin-in-law would say "I remember what it was like before kids." It gave me room to feel more than one thing.

Perfect parenting prevents guilt. There's no such thing (hi, Mom, you were perfect). Be careful what you let into your mind, your house, and your bed at night. Some parenting content online is great. Some just makes you feel crappy.

Pick your top three values

Healthiest food, constant presence, best at work, perfectly maintained body. Listen to that list. Those are separate people, not one person.

So figure out the top three values for your family. What's the one thing you want your kids to have when they leave your house? For me, it's being able to figure things out and trust themselves. That doesn't have to be yours. Values compete, and that's the real reason you can't be all things.

Find the ways you actually connect. For me, it's drawing with my kids. Playing pretend? Painful. If it's video games for you, great.

"I'm not spending enough time with them"

This is the number one guilt I hear. In 1965, mothers spent about 54 minutes a day with their children. By 2012 that had nearly doubled to about 104 minutes. Fathers went from 16 minutes to 59. The stay-at-home mom of the past wasn't spending more time with her kids than you are.

The quality of that time may have shifted, which won't surprise anyone with a phone attached to their body. But kids don't need a huge amount of time to feel loved. They need you there, connecting, a little every day. If you're a 70 percent good enough parent, you're good enough.

What to actually do

• Stop judging your thoughts and feelings. Kids pick up on self-compassion.
• Set realistic expectations. If your kid is three, expect three.
• Talk openly with your kids about feeling bad. "I forgot, and I don't like letting you down."
• Tell your closest friends about your mess-ups. They'll have their own.
• If not-good-enough is running the show, talk to a therapist. Friends give reassurance. Therapy is where you work on your relationship with yourself.

Key takeaways

1. Guilt is about a behavior and points to a repair. Shame is about identity and offers no way out.
2. Guilt over thoughts and feelings doubles your pain for no benefit.
3. Shame doesn't teach kids anything; it puts them in fear.
4. Choose your top three family values. You can't hold them all.
5. Parents today spend far more time with kids than parents in the 1960s did. Good enough is enough.

If this one hit close to home

If you're stuck in the not-good-enough loop and reassurance isn't touching it, Shoreside Therapies offers therapy for parents in Wisconsin and online in several other states. Our intake coordinator will help you find the right fit, even if it isn't us.

More on this topic: Relationships hub · Boundary Guilt: Setting Limits in Midlife · Self-Compassion · Matrescence: Becoming Someone New

This episode is for education and entertainment. It is not therapy and does not create a therapeutic relationship. Hosted by Laurie Groh, MS, LPC, SAS.